DIRTY LAUNDRY

I Dream of Jeannie?

2006-07-17T19:24:00.000-07:00

Kelly!! I realize you are Miss Independent, but you are a headlining performer. Stop dressing onstage like you just pulled random articles of clothing out of a suitcase while blindfolded. I'm not sure if this is a lame and sloppy homage to Barbara Eden, or if you are just flat out not caring what you wear anymore.

I suggest, perhaps, putting down the box of apple fritters and Dreaming of Jenny (Craig, that is) to shed a few pounds, and then head to Fred Segal for some shopping therapy.

P.S. Mesh is SOOOO 1987!

Goodbye, Hilary

2006-07-04T17:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I found out one of my college friends and sorority sisters passed away on June 30. Hilary Hansen will always be remembered as one who was so full of life and energy and ambition. Hils and I served on the Panhellenic Council together and as rush counselors. I got to know her as a friend and as a sort of big sister. Everything about her was irresistible, from her 100 megawatt smile to her ability to transform a dull stuffy room into a place of laughter within moments.

I barely remember Hils stopping by the bar where I celebrated my 21st birthday in college. The photo below says it all... Hilary looks happy and beautiful and relaxed, which is how I prefer to remember her. I, on the other hand, look as one should look after drinking a cement mixer and a brain hemorrhage and a three wise men... really wasted.

We will dearly miss you Hilary.

Some of our sorority sisters have put together a website in memory of Hilary:

Hilary's Blogspot

A New Messiah??

2006-05-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

No, sorry, that isn't the title of Dan Brown's latest bestseller to follow "The Da Vinci Code"... it is what writers are now calling the highly anticipated birth of "Brangelina's" newest addition to the colorful "United Family of Benetton" they are apparently creating. Now, I don't know much about names, but I do know what my name means.

Since I think I would be very presumptuous to think that the Jolie-Pitt clan is playing God by naming their much awaited child "the New Messiah," I looked up the meaning of the word "Shiloh," which means in Hebrew, "His gift." There is no information that I can determine on the name, "Nouvel," although I do know that "nouvelle" means new in French, and it's kinda similar to the Brangelina made up name.

For more on this ridiculous messiah nonsense click here.

Let's hope that this female "New Messiah" does not suffer the same alleged fate as her male counterpart did nearly 2000 years ago.

The Golden Girls

2006-05-21T18:52:00.000-07:00

Ugh... gold...

Silver, platinum, white gold... great... but leave the GOLD gold at the cheesy overpriced jewelry store. Or better yet, take it to the pawn store. But please, oh please, do not adorn your bodies in gold-wrapping, ladies. Please. There are few women who can pull off wearing gold fashions. The following two ladies are no exception to this.

Example 1:

Lindsay Lohan has apparently turned her last summer's tiered boho prairie skirt into a one-shouldered tiered minidress. There are SO MANY things wrong with this dress, but the most obvious and remarkable being that such a single-colored gown can look so incredibly busy!! Gold, tiers, and off one shoulder... my eyes are just about to pop out of my head. (And while I am on the subject of Ms. Lohan... thank heaven she has enough sense in her little head to go back to her natural red hair. The blond was too bombshell and the black was too goth. Red is just right!)

Example 2:

Brittany Murphy has also decided to go for the gold. I can't help but notice what a bad choice this gown was. First of all, it is far too short for the style of dress. The bodice of the dress, which hardly leaves anything to the imagination, is extremely unflattering. And the fabric itself is WAY too shiny!! What on earth was she thinking?? There is a time and a place for wearing minidresses. The red carpet in Hollywood is not one of them. There is never a time or a place to wear gold. Sorry.

Hit Me (With A) Baby One More Time!

2006-05-09T18:38:00.000-07:00

OOPS! SHE DID IT AGAIN! Britney Spears is pregnant once again. This time it will be a girl; mark my words.

Now, getting knocked up by K-Fed once is a mistake; twice and it just goes to show how Dub T you really are. This will be the fourth child to have sprung forth from Kevin's loins, and frankly, what the world needs now is less Federlines. I say we all band together as Americans and vasectomize K-Fed before the world becomes overpopulated with Feder-lings and Feder-ettes. God Help Us All!!

Reason 23 Why I Do Not Want To See Silent Hill

2006-04-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

Besides the fact that I am not a big fan of creepy movies featuring scary, spooky little kids, actress Radha Mitchell's outfit at the Silent Hill premiere is simply tacky.

I mean, honestly, who wears a Hefty Cinch Sak to a movie premiere?? Even if you are an unknown such as Miss Mitchell. Let's hope that she makes some money on this film and can afford a dress to wear to her next premiere instead of dressing in the same garment as her Rubbermaid trash can.

In Loving Memory

2006-04-26T02:57:00.000-07:00

Bart Altiere
May 7, 2005 - April 25, 2006

We discovered a massive chest tumor in Bart's chest was causing him breathing difficulty. After taking him to the vet, we were referred to the Dove Lewis Emergency Animal Hospital for further treatment. It was on the way to the Hospital that we were informed that Bart tested positive for feline leukemia virus. There is no cure, and the disease is fatal. Our only choice was to put our darling, precious little one to sleep. At least he wouldn't have suffered during his final stage of his short life.

How I will miss his chainsaw-like purring, his soft little white paws on my face as I sleep at night, and his ability to go from zero to sixty the second I produced a new furry catnip mouse for him to play with. He had an uncanny knack for taking up most of the bed at night, no small feat for such a little creature.

The worst part is that he wasn't quite a year old, and so he didn't have too much time to enjoy life; the best part is that he had the best home possible, with a family that loved him and cherished him as much as possible. We will miss our special little guy very very much.

Rest in peace, darling Bart.

Love,

Mommy, Daddy and Homer

Reid-ing Railroaded

2006-04-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

What sort of hopeless mess has Tara Reid gotten herself into now? First of all, she is practically exploding out of the top of this frock! Second, the yards of brown/gold lace at the bottom of this dress do not add anything to this fashion disaster. And has she done anything to that disastrous 'do of hers for the last eight years? I mean, besides continuously dye her hair platinum.

Egad, girl, you need a detox and a makeover and FAST!! You've already lost your star power in Hollywood. You're starting to look like you are losing your mind, too!

Update!!

2006-04-23T21:37:00.000-07:00

I recently switched jobs, and I just wanted to take a moment and say thanks to everyone for their support. I love my new job. I love handling millions of virtual dollars. When I screw up, it's no big deal, since it can be fixed.

And the best part is... I am nobody's bitch!! Woo hoo!!

Thanks again to everyone for their support!! It means a lot! Three cheers for banks! :)

Above (or Below) the Law

2006-04-17T21:41:00.000-07:00

(Sung to the tune of "Hey Jude." Original Music/Lyrics by Lennon McCartney)

Heeeeeeeeey Jude... Don't make it bad
Take some grey sweats, you jet setter
Remember, you may be young at heart
But you need to wear a sweater

Hey Jude, don't confuse the brood
Mommy doesn't want to be wooed
So go and get your man-chest waxed
And then, Sasquatch, we will all feel relaxed

And anytime that you feel plain
Hey, Jude, refrain
From wearing grey sweats
That are capri-length

Okay, so I'm not a singer or a poet... but I do know one thing. Well, two things. Okay, make that three things. Jude Law should NOT be wearing grey capri-length sweats. Nor should he be seen in public without a shirt on. Moobs and piles of mantastic chest hair are not sexy. Especially in conjunction with the aforementioned grey capri sweats. Nor should he be cavorting with the ex wife. Let's keep your children sane, and keep mommy and daddy visits separate... hmmm???

Home Sweet Home

2006-04-16T20:50:00.000-07:00

I spent the entire weekend sicker than a dog. I realized I am a total baby when it comes to a measly cold, and thank goodness this only happens about once every 3 years. In my delusional Thera-Flu induced state, put an offer in on a new Casa. The artists' rendering is above. I'd post a photo of the house, but alas, the lot is simply a mound of dirt with a "For Sale" sign. Not much to look at, so this one will suffice for now.

More updates as ground is broken and foundations are poured. Feeling better, and looking forward to finally feeling 100%.

Carol Brady Would Be Proud!

2006-04-14T14:11:00.000-07:00

Actress Sarah Silverman has taken "retro fashion" a little too far. Pardon me for saying so, Florence Henderson, but bell-bottomed polyester jumpsuits and flowy patterned blouses with big floppy bows didn't look good in the 70's. In 2006, they still don't look good. In fact, they look just plain stupid. The only people that can possibly get away with this look are those that appear on That 70's Show or reruns of The Brady Bunch on TBS. I hope you saved your receipt from Goodwill, Sarah, so that you can return these dated duds. At the very least, you can donate it back to Goodwill and get a tax deduction.

Stop the Presses!

2006-04-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

Rather than making news like so many other stars, Melanie Griffith has decided WEARING news is much better! Nothing makes for better headlines than to dress in them. And there is no better thrill of knowing that you can sweat all you want in the warm California sun and you won't have to dryclean your garment created from the L.A. Times. Perhaps the only drawback is that newsprint wrinkles easily and leaves ink all over you long after you have taken it off. But at least it is cheap and easily replaceable in case you get a tear.

Nice going, Mel!! Super classy duds!!

Holy Plastic, Batman!!!

2006-04-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

Biologists have spent the last 30 days uncovering Lindsay Keller's body composition. They have made the following startling scientific conclusions:

90% Polyethylene

3.2% Polyvinyl Chloride

3.0% Polyester

2.3% Silicone

1% Vodka

0.5% Red Bull Energy Drink

What the HELL is Silent Birth...?!

2006-03-21T22:20:00.000-08:00

As if "TomKat" weren't crazy enough, the couple has decided, for the impending birth of their child, to go the traditional Scientological route and have a "silent birth." This means that there are no sounds, no talking and no directions from the medical staff to the woman in labor, with the exception of sign language. (I'm sure this also means no drugs, also.) Forgive me, but this HAS to be EXTREMELY unhealthy for all involved.

There are three things I want with me in the delivery room when I give birth:

1. My husband
2. An epidural
3. Possibly a second epidural

If, for some reason, I can't have items 2 and 3, I would like to have just item 1 and a pair of earplugs for everyone at the hospital, since there ain't no way I am gonna be silent!!

The following news article outlines the "Silent Birth Plan."

LOS ANGELES (AFP) - Hollywood stars John Travolta and Anne Archer are publicly backing fellow Scientologist Tom Cruise and fiancee Katie Holmes's plan to give birth to their highly anticipated baby in silence.

Cruise and Holmes, together dubbed "Tomkat" by the popular press, are preparing to welcome their first baby into the world any day now using the church's "quiet birth" method, which has been the object of media derision.

But as Cruise and Holmes completed their last-minute baby shopping, a constellation of celebrity Scientologists has came out in support of the birth method in which the mother, father and medical staff in the delivery room are strongly discouraged from speaking.

The church's founding father, science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, believed that babies, like other people, can subliminally soak up words shouted around them at birth that could come back to negatively influence him later in life.

"It's just good common sense to have a quiet and creates a calm and loving environment," said Archer, best known for her role as Michael Douglas's cuckolded and terrified wife in the 1987 movie "Fatal Attraction" and her poignant role in Robert Altman's "Short Cuts."

"When a woman is in labour, it is very intense, and when everyone is moving around and chatting, it's very hard to deal with the discomfort," she said in an interview with AFP.

Pulp Fiction" and "Saturday Night Fever" Travolta and his actress wife Kelly Preston also weighed in this week, telling the movie website imdb.com that absolute silence was not required of a mum-to-be.

"Just try to keep it as quiet as possible. Of course you're going to groan and yell. It hurts. Just keep it to a minimum," Preston said.

"There are unwanted emotions and pain that goes along with any birth," added Travolta.

Public attention was focused on the Scientology birth method last week when photographers snapped pictures of "birthing boards" being delivered to the Beverly Hills mansion shared by Cruise, 43, and 26-year-old Holmes.

One board is said to have read: "Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable," sparking media controversy and mockery over the Scientology technique.

But Archer, 58, who also played the long-suffering wife of Harrison Ford's secret agent character in "Patriot Games" (1992) and "Clear and Present Danger" (1994), said the reports were sensational and inaccurate and that he had never heard of the use of such placards during childbirth.

"The aim is to keep it as quiet as possible. Of course you can't banish words completely, that would be ridiculous," said Archer, a practioner of Scientology for nearly three decades, dismissing reports that mothers are barred from shouting out in pain or uttering a word during childbirth.

"Everything that happens around you is still recorded just below one's consciousness level and words in particular; shouting things like 'push, push'; can sometimes have an adverse effect later in life," she said.

She also rubbished reports that Scientologist mothers-to-be cannot take medication to ease their pain -- the church shuns the use some drugs, particularly psychological ones.

"Scientology has nothing to say about the use of drugs painkillers. We all know it's better not to use them, but it's totally between the doctor and the patient," Archer said.

Hats off to you! (No, really... take it off!)

2006-03-16T21:05:00.001-08:00

You know you are British when:

1. You speak with a British accent.

2. You have bad teeth.

3. Your clothing looks like you have just stepped out of dress rehearsal for "Oliver Twist" or "A Christmas Story."

4. You are named something like "Nigel Barrington" or "Fiona Aldwinkle."

5. You are at least somewhat related to royalty.

6. You wear bad hats.

At least the Countess of Wessex fits the criteria! Whew! I was concerned there for a moment. I realize that Brits plus Horse Racing equals Really Bad Flamboyant Hats, but I think I have had it with the British royalty making bad hats part of their official dress code. Do you think one goes into a shop specifically thinking, "Jolly good! I have found a hat to match my cape and brooch precisely! Splendid!"

A word to the wise... silly hats may work in Britain, but in America you had better be sure you are placing some mad bets on Trifectas and Quinellas or attending an Easter egg hunt before you don one of these terrible toppers.

Oh... Cheerio! I am almost late for tea...

Snooze...

2006-03-12T22:35:00.000-08:00

Not to sound too utterly cliché, but I do believe that Britney has hit the snooze button on her alarm clock of fifteen minutes of fame one too many times. Or something like that. I realize that I don't have the most rockin' body, but if I looked like this, I wouldn't be parading around in a bikini in public. Especially if I were famous.

I have lately received flack from folks about my comments about pregnant women (namely Katie Holmes). Granted, Ms. Federline is a recent mommy, but she also has millions of dollars and can afford to have a personal trainer whip her back into pre-baby shape. (Which is exactly what I would do). She hasn't been pregnant for six months (as far as we know). Let's put on a shirt, Brit. And stay out of the sun. I realize that tan fat is better than white fat, but it's not really that healthy.

Big Hair!

2006-03-12T22:26:00.000-08:00

SCARY!! Jason Biggs has grown himself a 'fro! Please tell me that this is for a film (preferably one set during the 1970's, since that is the only era for which this mop would make sense). I realize that the trend for young men these days is toward really, REALLY long hair, but let's face it... Jason Biggs isn't exactly 17 anymore. He needs to be looking a little more "grown up" and a little less shaggy. Hopefully he will visit his barber before this gets out of control.

Oscars 2006: The Aftermath

2006-03-06T22:10:00.001-08:00

POSTURE, PLEASE!

Wow... sorry I missed this... it was past my bedtime, however. Aimee Mann looks like she has both lost a few vertebrae as well as joined the Stevie Nicks cult. With an S & M vibe. Does it not look like she is wearing a collar and leash??

BREASTS AND BITCHES!!

Could this be any more perfect??? Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton together at last. And looking so fabulously icky, too!! UGH!! Pamela is wearing a top that looks like it is barely being held together by one tiny thread (or maybe it is just a piece of black fabric that she has tied across her body). Both her ginormous boobs and her rounded belly are busting out of this...um...garment. She finishes off this outfit with black capri/leggings (what else? This is Hollywood...) Those tan canvas sandals have no place with this outfit. There is simply nothing in her outfit that matches these shoes. In fact, I could go so far as to say that the shoes actually look a little too demure, even grannyish, for Pamela. She should be wearing "barely there" sandals and, hey, how about no pants? Or at least something see thru?? Maybe next year. (Please, put the plastic away for now, Ms. Anderson!) Pam looks like she is trolling for cock in that skanky outfit.

Paris, on the other hand, looks like a cock... a peacock, that is. Honestly, how many innocent peacocks gave their poor sad lives to become a part of her dress?? Is that part of the Nature Conservancy's "Viva Las Vegas" Spring 2006 clothing collection?? Hmmm... maybe not. Maybe Paris just had a few pygmy peacocks from Papua New Guinea executed so that she could make a splash at Elton John's Oscar Party. (By the way, why were these women even invited to Elton John's party? Isn't he GAY??)

"WATTS" NAOMI'S FASHION MALFUNCTION?

Naomi Watts is not well. She just can't seem to get her act together! She looked like pale shredded wheat at the Oscars, and then attended the Vanity Fair party in this hideous number. Let's pretend for a moment that she isn't wearing a dress that looks like a bedspread in my grandmother's house. But what, pray tell, is that awful lacy fluff oozing down the front of her gown?? And why would she choose to wear it with a black lace cardigan? What has gotten into her? Did Stevie Nicks pick out her attire for this evening? Maybe falling in love with a monkey last summer did something to her brain. I simply cannot figure it out!

Oops!! I missed one!

2006-03-06T21:27:00.000-08:00

I didn't miss this one on purpose. I was actually debating on whether or not to post on this one. Not because I think the outfit is great, or even that Ms. Theron looks good (since when does she generally look bad??); quite the contrary. I think the dress is a doozy, her hairstyle is horrific, her faux tan is uneven and she is carrying enough baggage under her eyes to qualify for two tickets on an airplane. No, I honestly really like Charlize Theron. I love her acting. There is nobody, in my book, who could play the role of Aileen Wuornos as well as she did in "Monster." She is simply fantastic. She has really picked some good roles to explore her range in acting.

But... oh dear... she wasn't thinking when she planned this outfit. Can I first of all state the obvious... what we are all thinking... is that an inflatable pillow on your shoulder, or are you just happy to see us? SERIOUSLY... what IS that?? Is that a bow? A single overzealous shoulder pad on steroids?? WHAT??? Argh!! You can see my dilemma, right?? I mean, she's pretty, she's a decent actress, right? She just had a bad night with the outfit is all that I am saying.

Oscars 2006: Red Carpet Arrivals!

2006-03-05T17:11:00.000-08:00

THE YOLKS ON YOU!

Isn't she lovely? Michelle Williams, ladies and gentlemen... nominated for her performance in "Brokeback Mountain," along with her husband, Heath Ledger. I am not sure what prompted Ms. Williams to select a gown in such a hideous color. When I think "Academy Awards," I tend to think a rich, dark color like dark blue, black or deep red. I don't tend to think of the jaundice-inducing yellow of farm-fresh egg yolks. I think Michelle Williams' dress color must have been chosen because it is "different," and is sure to be remembered.

THE ODDEST COUPLE

Tim Burton is a very odd man. Granted, he's a genius of the goth/dark humor variety of filmmaking, but let's admit it, folks... he's a strange man. His wife, Helena Bonham Carter, is also no exception to the oddity of the family unit. Here, the Burtons arrive on the red carpet looking like they are fresh from the 1985 Winter Formal. Helena's tea-length, off-the-shoulder blue satin dress, the BIG hair and the cream-colored heels complete this ridiculously retro outfit; Tim's bold red shirt, messy/shaggy hair and shades add to the effect. Only this pair could pull this off, although they really should be dancing the night away under a sky of pastel balloons to "Almost Paradise" and "Lucky Star."

BRIGHT LIGHTS, PINK HAIR

I couldn't resist putting English Designer Zandra Rhodes on display. Known for her splashy color combinations and eclectic personality, as shown here with her day-glo pink 'do and flowy lime green chiffon gown. She obviously planned this on purpose, and given her current occupation, I don't really have much to say in an explanation of this outfit other than her designs look like they are fresh out of the Las Vegas Ice Capades show. Carry on, then! Carry on!!

WHERE IS YOUR FAIRY GODMOTHER WHEN YOU NEED HER?

Poor Cinderella. She was mauled by her evil stepsisters as she was leaving for the ball and they tore her pretty dress to shreds. To top it off, Cinderella's fairy godmother was nowhere to be found to repair her dress and whisk her away to be the belle of the ball.

Wait... (*rubbing eyes*) is that... could that be... Australian actress Naomi Watts?! That is not Cinderella at all?? Was she attacked by rabid dingoes on the way to the Academy Awards show? The poor thing! Her dress is simply shredded! And with traffic the way it is in Hollywood on Academy Awards night, there was no time to go to Rodeo Drive to pick up a new gown. Her shredded threads may be just the lift this squeaky clean Aussie needs to give her a bit of an edge. Then again... maybe not...

Classic Oscar: Whoopsie Daisy!

2006-03-05T08:37:00.000-08:00

Whoopie Goldberg is not known for her beauty or her fashion sense. It is especially apparent in this Classic Oscar moment in 1993, where she donned this fashion disaster. Aside from being hideously garish in both style and hue, she reminds me of a doll I used to have as a child where one end of the doll was adorable little red riding hood, and when you flipped the doll over, the skirt would fall to reveal a wolf in granny's nightgown, thus extending your play and getting two dolls for the price of one. Is she wearing a dress or capri pantsuit? Both? Is she trying to look like something out of a fairy tale?? Did she rent this costume or purchase it? Does the dress part come off in a snap with velcro? How does one affix this garment to their body?

Such complicated questions are making my head spin. I must go lay down for a while.

Classic Oscar: Can Can for Charmin!

2006-03-05T08:10:00.000-08:00

Doesn't Geena Davis, pictured here at the Oscars in 1992, look like she is the butt of a childhood prank by getting herself T.P.'ed? Let's forget for a moment that she is wearing a stark white dress and long White gloves, and appears to be dressed and ready for her next role as a French can-can girl on her wedding day circa 1890. How many times do I need to say it? I don't care what style of dress you are wearing, unless it is extremely casual, white does not belong anywhere near the red carpet. You end up looking like a bride. Maybe I am biased, having been a former recent bride myself, but I think white is a color which belongs to the newly-wedded.

Ms. Davis is obviously trying to not look too much like a bride by wearing a unique style that makes her look like she is trailing mounds of billowy Quilted Northern behind her. She has also taken the liberty of wearing black nylons and shoes with her boudoir bride dress. Simply ghastly! Ooh-la-la! Mais non!!

Confessional!

2006-03-05T07:47:00.000-08:00

Forgive me, readers, for I have sinned. It has been several days since my last post. I have been on a "vacation" this week, of sorts. I quit my job about three weeks ago and I begin a new job tomorrow in an entirely new field. I have spent my "vacation" doing much of the following:

1. Sleeping
2. Selling my car (*SOB!!*)
3. Organizing my life
4. Scrapbooking (i.e., essentially a further continuation on organization)
5. Working on the multitude of public safety endeavors which I am currently involved in
6. Renaming my blog to "DIRTY LAUNDRY," and frustrating the hell out of myself trying to figure out HTML code in the process.

That about sums it up. While I admit that I was a lot more aggressive about procrastinating my work outs than I wanted to be, I feel like this week I was a lot more accomplished than I expected to be.

That said, I will not take such a long hiatus from posting in the future.

She Bops for Charity!

2006-02-28T18:13:00.000-08:00

What else could Bai Ling possibly wear to a charity fashion show but something that is reminiscent of Cyndi Lauper circa 1984: leopard print strapless dress bodice with a bright purple fluffy tulle skirt and black stiletto boots. What on earth could be more appropriate for charity events in 2006?? While I may find this outfit hideously outdated (unless, of course, you are attending a "Retro 80's" event, and ONLY then would it be okay), at least as far as the choices Bai Ling could have worn from her plethora of "ho couture" garments in her closet, this is at least less offensive than any of many selections she could have (and has) made. At least this dress makes it past her knees!

She's a Brick House!!

2006-02-28T18:11:00.000-08:00

Katie Holmes was once an innocent young maiden. Once upon a time she was a tomboy on Dawson's Creek named Joey. Now she is Persephone, the young maiden of Springtime who has been whisked away by Hades to the underworld to dwell in darkness until the days grow longer and warmer.

Black is supposedly a slimming color. However, Katie wears black and the dress inflates itself on her. Is this poor girl carrying twins? Triplets?? She's as big as a house!! She's probably due in a month... June, my ass!!!!

You Ain't My "Friend," Flicka!

2006-02-27T15:04:00.000-08:00

It is rare for me to blog about men's fashions, but I couldn't resist!

Oscar nominee or not, you would think that Kiera Knightley would be a little more concerned about the company she keeps. Good friend, Rupert Friend, strolls with Miss Kiera, and then makes a splash by snogging her in the salty water. Wearing day-glo yellow pants on the beach in the Bahamas is a no-no, even if you aren't gay and cavorting on the Greek island of Mykonos. It's one thing for a straight man to be wearing a beach cover up. It is another thing for him to don such a bold and obnoxious color as the one he is sporting here.

Pssst... Kiera... make damn sure you approve his attire before you attend the Oscar festivities next weekend!

Do you think he is wearing "gold" to send a subliminal message to the voters? If he is, he is late. The votes have already been cast.

We Wish You A Merry...

2006-02-21T19:07:00.000-08:00

Dear, dear, Paris... are you serious? Are you doing this on purpose? Is this a desperate attempt to go down in history on La Casa's Worst Dressed Ever List?! Why, oh WHY, would you decide that this is a good look for jet setting about the world? You look like a lost elf two months after Christmas. I realize that all this partying takes its toll on the rich, spoiled lifestyle that you lead, but wearing funky red-hued shades, a white cardigan and designer handbag do nothing to disguise the fact that you are walking through Heathrow in your Victoria's Secret pj's and Ugg Boots. Honestly, this is very much akin to Spederline's Quest in her loungewear.

P.S. Is Heathrow one of the stops on the way back to the North Pole? Did you bring some treats back for Prancer and Vixen??

Classic Oscar: Gwyneth Goes Goth!

2006-02-20T21:18:00.000-08:00

Who can forget this little gem?? Although not quite as memorable as the "goose" costume, this was way outer limits for Gwyneth Paltrow at the 2001 Academy Awards. Two years prior to this, she was wholesome, classic and demure in pristine pink. This is one of those outfits which just scream, "My parents were WAY overbearing, and now I am REBELLING!!" Except the sad thing is that she wasn't 16 when she dressed herself in this outfit. (She was more like 29).

Look at how unflattering this garment hangs on her... how much her breasts just scream for their underwire... how much her eyes wish for less mascara and eyeliner... and how much her hair just screams to be let out of the braids-and-bun look. Even her posture is reminiscent of a goth teenager's... slouchy, smug and carrying a bit of attitude. All that is missing is the black cloak, black fingernails and multiple piercings, and you have it made as a goth teen queen!!

A bit of advice... save it for your daughter, Apple, Gwynnie... she will no doubt need this outfit someday. No doubt with a name like that... I would definitely rebel!

Classic Oscar: Take a Gander!

2006-02-19T00:10:00.000-08:00

Aaah... yes... the "Inimitable Goose Dress." Always the wearer of unforgettable style (and I don't mean this in a good way), Bjork donned this doozy of a dress at the 2001 Academy Awards. I can only guess that she lost a bet, or she lost her pet, and was trying to find a way to pay homage to her dearly departed duck.

This is, without a doubt, the WORST OUTFIT EVER!! Bjork is the only celebrity kooky enough to get away with wearing this. Throw this sucker on anyone else, and I guarantee you they not be walking out with a golden statuette, they will be carried away in a white straitjacket. Not that I have anything against animals; I love animals. Leopard prints are fabulous. Leather boots are great. Alligator skin purses are way cool. It's one thing to like animals and wear things mimicking or made out of them. It is quite another to wear the animal in the same form that it existed when it was alive.

This disaster is so hilariously outrageous it is etched in my mind forever as one of the most memorable and horrible of all Oscar couture. Maybe this year she will dress in a ring-tailed lemur... one can only hope!

How Lo Can You Go? (Reader Request)

2006-02-14T22:59:00.000-08:00

Ahh... Miss Lindsay Lohan... La Lohan... Lolita...

What a year you have had...

You went from red to blond to black
You barely ate a snack
You ate until you'd yack
You denied the use of crack
You got a lot of flack
You had an asthma attack
And then you bounced right back!

BRA-VO!! BRAAAAAAAA-VO!

I am glad that you are enjoying yourself at Fashion Week NYC 2006! Say "Hi" to my darling sister!! ;-)

But, really, girl...

What is this??? Is this an experiment? I know that you have had your ups and downs the last year. Vanity Fair was cruel and unusual punishment. But you were the one who posed in just underwear, so what the hell?

I must just guess that you were just really, terribly, horribly tired from pounding the runway when you threw together this nonsense. Faded gray denim jeans tucked into white boots was your first mishap. Your second mishap was the plunging multicolored striped blouse. Your third mishap was this AWFUL jacket you have with the black and white chevron stripes with its silly frilly blue silk edge. What IS that??? Maybe next time, wear the Calvin Klein gown out on your walk back to the hotel. And make sure that you are color coordinated.

But, I understand. You've been through a lot this year.

(MO... great idea... this was fun!!)

It's Valentine's Day!

2006-02-14T22:23:00.000-08:00

In honor of St. Valentine's Day, a day which Hallmark created to honor our dearly departed patron saint of sappy cards, I present you with a couple which I believe truly exemplifies true love:

Okay, I am kidding. This couple scares me. He scares me. I don't know much about her, but I think Katie has been seduced and enchanted by evil incarnate. Maybe she just can't handle carrying devil spawn and being forced to endure daily sonograms. The pair are emphatically denying the rumours of their break up, as exposed by Life and Style Magazine. This is just delish!! I'm waiting to see how this one pans out. If you want to read the full article on the alleged split, Click here!

I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson... (Reader Request)

2006-02-14T22:01:00.000-08:00

ALD, here ya go... thanks for the pic!! ;)

Janet... Ms. Jackson...(if) you're nasty! What on earth has happened to you?? I feel so bad! I realize that your "wardrobe malfunction" two years ago at the Super Bowl cost you a lot of fans, and you took a lot of shit for it. It was a bad move, but you apologized, and we moved on, right? Huh?? But have you really lost so much self respect that you would allow yourself to be photographed in public wearing old sweats and even older hair extensions? What happened to the rock hard abs, the buns of steel? You're looking a little mushy around the middle, like you got a little junk up in yo' trunk. Don't let yourself go, girl! We forgave you! It's in the past! I think it is nice that you are putting on the "pretense" of "working out" by wearing sweats. Let's put down the bag of Cheetos and head to the gym for real. There's a skinny girl hiding under that flab... let's find her!

Guilty of (fashion) crimes on and off the court (Reader Request)

2006-02-12T16:38:00.000-08:00

MO, thanks for the pics!! This one is for you! :)

ARGH!!! Leggings!!! The BANE of my blogging existence. I swear to you, this will be my last post about the prevalence of leggings in fashion. Promise. While it is more appropriate for leggings to be worn while playing sports than, say, underneath a sequin dress, I really can't fathom the need for leggings during a basketball game. First of all, you are indoors. I know it's January, but even January in LA isn't that cold. Second of all, Kobe is the Lakers' star player. He's so busy on the court that there is no way that he can get cold while playing basketball. So, the point of the leggings is... what?? Anyone want to venture a guess??

Off the court, Kobe scores low marks as well:

There is a very sad, cold golden retriever out there, who sacrificed its lovely golden coat for Kobe Bryant's fur coat. Because honestly, what looks better on a 7 foot tall black man than a blond fur coat. Pimp-tastic!!! Let's go pick up some hos, aight?

You may have won at the Grammys...

2006-02-12T10:25:00.000-08:00

Kanye West isn't exactly known for his style. His music, yes. Style, not so much. And apparently the 70's called him as he was leaving the red carpet asking for their gold medallion necklace and shirt opened to the navel, since they desperately need these things back. Oh, and maybe while you are at it, ditch the driving gloves that give your hands the much needed protection while gripping the steering wheel of the 1967 SS Camaro you drove to the Grammys. And the shades, Kanye? Lose those. Your date looks horrified. She got all dressed up for the evening and you showed up at her house looking like you had just come from the casting call for "Staying Alive" or "The Michael Jackson Story." Really.

Next...

We all know that Joss Stone is a little bit out there. She is a free sprit with her own sense of style. That's fine. But this "Spaceman on Acid" printed dress that she has donned for the most important night of the year in the music industry is just wrong. I look at it and think, "Oh my. I really don't feel so well." I can't imagine wearing this around for a whole evening. Did she carry a couture airplane barf bag as a handbag, too? As if that wasn't bad enough, she tucked a daisy behind her ear. Was that just for whimsy? Do you think she was on her Schwinn on the way to the show, and she saw this growing along the side of the road, and said to herself, "You know what would make the best accessory to this outfit?? A daisy!!"

Just for one evening, she should consider putting aside the "freespiritedness" and just do what most others do: wear a normal looking dress, and leave the "organic materials" out of the accessory equation.

Finally...

Christina Milian... Talk about a silver gray dip-dyed halter top peek-a-boo midriff disaster! I'm guessing the aluminum foil she used to wrap herself in ripped, and that this was the end result.

Showgirls Are My New Best Friends!!

2006-02-10T23:03:00.000-08:00

What on earth is this?? Has Britney lost her mind...?? First she married K-Fed, then she wears this irritating outfit to a pre-Grammys Kanye West concert, and then she puts her child in danger... can we just commit her to an institution now?

I honestly don't know what Vegas showgirl she swiped this rag from. Not that I make it my business to know showgirls, but I mean, this dress is so short and has such a strange cut to it, it almost looks like she accidentally tucked the dress into her panties after hurriedly using the bathroom.

Or was she just planning to wear pants underneath this and forgot?? Just like the multitude of stars who think pants underneath a dress is fashionworthy. Whatever.

I think we should keep out eye on this one. I have a feeling that Britney might be slipping...

I probably should mention something about K-Fed's designer togs. How can one man manage to look so completely scummy and unappealing no matter where he goes and what he wears. His look is white rapper/stoner/white trailer trash regardless of what he does to himself. I would never allow my husband out of the house wearing what he does. Someone needs to have a talk with him. Tuck your shirt in!! Pull your pants up!! At least wear clothes that fit! You can afford it!

"I made a mistake..." (Reader Request)

2006-02-10T22:05:00.000-08:00

Amy, this one is for you!!

Damn right, you made a mistake! Mistake?? Try reckless endangerment! I mean, I know that in Alabama or Louisiana or whatever the hell bassackwards Southern state you hail from, it may be okay to drive around with your kid on your lap. But this is LA, Britney!! People drive crazy on the 10 freeway. They don't care that you are "rushing to get away from paparazzi." They will swerve into your lane at 85 miles an hour while talking on their cell phone and typing messages on their "CrackBerry" even if you have a kid on your lap with no seatbelt! Do you have any idea what an airbag does to a child in the front seat??

Keep your child in the back seat in their government approved child seat until he is four like the law says!! The LAPD may not have pressed charges this time, but there may be consequences should you do it again.

Oh, my goodness, I am becoming a grown up!!

Brand New Name!

2006-02-10T14:03:00.000-08:00

I am trying to come up with a snazzy new name for my blog, and it is vexing me, so if you have any ideas... please send them this way or just post your ideas!! The winner will get a surprise in exchange, so make sure you leave your email address!

Reader Request Week!

2006-02-09T15:54:00.000-08:00

The management here at La Casa Altiere, i.e., me, has had an overwhelming request for specific blog posts. To favor my adoring fans for their unwavering support over the last few months as my fledgling weblog has grown, I have decided to make this next week reader request week here at La Casa. If you have anything you desperately want me to blog about, send me your ideas!!

Hollaback House Frau!

2006-02-05T18:36:00.000-08:00

I can't help but contemplate what has happened to Gwen Stefani since she learned she is going to have a baby. Suddenly, Ms. Sporty/Edgy/Flashy has created a style all her own. It's not boho, it's... Russian house frau.

I never would have imagined Gwen in a blue and white polyester striped dress over jeans with a gray wool coat and animal print scarf. To add insult to injury, she has paired this odd ensemble with what looks to be Ugg boots and olive green gaiters. And what kind of dog is that? Jamaican sheepdog? Are those dreadlocks on that dog?

What is this?? Granny Goodwill goes skiing with her Jamaican sheepdog??

Honestly, it makes me wonder that if this is any indication of the styles of her L.A.M.B. clothing line, she is planning to market this line to pregnant women in Turkey and Estonia. Say it ain't so!!

Camping in NYC in Winter

2006-02-04T21:24:00.000-08:00

Halle Berry must have decided that rather than extricate herself from the down stuffed bivy sac/ sleeping bag she used to camp out in Central Park last night, how much better is it to just cut the bottom off to walk to Starbucks for the morning cup of java?

Seriously... I can imagine wearing a down jacket if it is cropped at the waist. However, this goes to her ankles. Ankles, people! It's an ankle-length down jacket. This isn't fucking Antarctica!! There is no reason to wear this sort of coat unless it is -30 degrees with a wind chill and there is a raging snowstorm with 20 mile per hour winds. Not that I am a meteorologist, but I am pretty sure that the high temperature in NYC on Friday was 62...

Changes Coming Soon to La Casa!

2006-02-04T21:00:00.000-08:00

You may notice some exciting changes at La Casa Altiere in the next few weeks. I recently downloaded Haloscan for commenting, and am hoping to work with the background in the next week or two. Also, my friend Josh , has offered to help me out with a catchy new title/banner for the site.

God bless friends and Photoshop!

Your suggestions for a new title for the site are appreciated!!

... You are now getting sleepy...

2006-02-02T23:15:00.000-08:00

If Sandra Oh spins around slowly while walking down the red carpet, you better get the LAPD and the Paramedics on the phone stat, since that dress could cause a lot of people to have seizures!

Perhaps that is her tactic while wearing this frock... to distract people from looking at her disturbingly unattractive facial region. Or perhaps she is trying to hypnotize the judges into voting for her. Hmmm... that warrants a careful examination. I'll get back to you on that...

Who says you can only wear a bridesmaid dress once??

2006-02-02T22:55:00.000-08:00

Hi!!! I'm Andrea Bowen!!! I went to the SAG awards on Sunday night (that is the Screen Actors' Guild awards)... and it was a SCHOOL night!!! I got to stay out until midnight. This is me on the red carpet!! I was SOOOOOOOO excited!!!

You might see me on the television show, "Desperate Housewives!" I'm SOOOOO excited to be on t.v. every week. And Teri Hatcher plays my mom on the show. She's so cool, and so pretty and such a good actress!! I only go to school two half days a week, since now I have a tutor, and next month.... I GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE!!! This is going to be the best year EVER!!

I picked this dress to wear to the awards because my mom said it was the prettiest one in my closet. I wanted to get a new one at Forever 21, but mom said I had to learn how to save my money a little better. I only wore it once to my cousin's wedding last summer. I was one of her bridesmaids, and I thought I wouldn't be able to wear it again, since everyone says that you can't wear bridesmaid dresses ever again, so I thought it would hang in my closet forever, but I got to wear it again!!! I was thinking of wearing it to the winter formal! And...OOOH!! There's Reese Witherspoon! OHMYGOD!! I'm so excited!! I gotta go!!! See ya!!

No, really... I have a lisp...

2006-02-02T15:11:00.000-08:00

Things that are SOMEWHAT difficult to say when you're drunk...

1) Innovative
2) Preliminary
3) Proliferation
4) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

1) Specificity
2) British Constitution
3) Passive-aggressive disorder
4) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

1) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2) Nope, no more drinks for me, I've reached my limit.
3) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4) Please take the shooters back, let's have water.
5) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
6) I'm not interested in fighting you.
7) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
8) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero
coordination.
9) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
10) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
11) Look, it would be great to have sex but I hardly know you and we
will only feel really embarrassed and awkward in the morning.
12) That guy is looking at my girlfriend but I am sure it's just
because he knows her or something.
13) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't
try balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.

And the nominees are... (OSCARS, y'all!)

2006-01-31T21:31:00.000-08:00

...AND WE'RE OFF...!!

The 78th Annual Academy Awards are March 5, 2006.

The Nominations for the 2006 Oscars have been announced...

And boy, are we at La Casa Altiere EXCITED!!! Jon Stewart, Host of Comedy Central's "The Daily Show" will be our host for the evening, and we are tickled pink!!

For a list of the 2006 Oscar Nominees... Click here!

TUNE IN FOR SOME OF OUR "WORST EVER" OSCAR FASHIONS IN THE WEEKS TO COME!!

See you in Hollywood on March 5!

Don't Be a Menace at Premieres While Wearing Jeans With Your Strapless

2006-01-29T14:57:00.000-08:00

At yet another film premiere for a movie which should not have ever made a sequel "Big Momma's House 2," Terri J. Vaughn steps out of her limo in utter confusion. Jeans and a hideous orange strapless?!

Did something traumatic happen to Ms. Vaughn recently? Is she in treatment for PTSD, and the psychoanalysis, medication and biofeedback she is currently undergoing is wreaking havoc on her fashion sensibilities?? Poor dear.

She was planning to wear jeans, cute shoes, a colorful top and lots of sparkly accessories. Instead, her trauma caused mass confusion as she stood in her 7,000 square foot closet and went into shock, grabbing the two articles of clothing closest to her, and orange flowy strapless dress and the pair of jeans she had worn every day for the last week. Let's hope she gets better soon.

Bai Ling Strikes Sundance!!

2006-01-25T21:53:00.000-08:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the only person that can clothe herself and still look naked, Bai Ling, graces us with her presence at Sundance.

To me, Sundance is all about the presentation of the "breakout" indie films, not about the breakaway clothing people sport at the premieres. I am not even sure what Bai Ling is known for besides her extremely slutty clothing concoctions. Is she an actress? Porn star, perhaps? Anyone who appears in a Playboy magazine? Can someone help me out?

Do you think she does this for shock value? Do you think we could figure this out?

Momentary Lapse of Reason

2006-01-24T21:10:00.000-08:00

The next time I wear a macrame'd minidress to a premiere with half my stringy hair in my eyes, please remind me that I might be out of my mind.

Charlize Theron is a beautiful woman. She has great features, but she chose to downplay them in favor of dressing like a member of the cast of "Little Orphan Annie," by wearing a dress that looks like it is made out of twine and three sizes too small for the premiere of "North Country" in Sydney. Apparently, she was so worn out from getting this garment on that she had no energy to style her hair, and so wore it lank and hanging in her eyes.

Ed. Note: I feel bad for people that actually have to "style" their hair. I rarely do a thing with my hair except pull it back into a ponytail.

Who wears short shorts (with tights)?!?

2006-01-23T12:13:00.000-08:00

Only Paris Hilton could be drunk enough to envision that this outfit (complete with cropped laced-up vest, matching shorts, black tights and high heel wedges) looks good enough to be rockin' it on the dance floor of her recent Sundance Film Festival party.

Let me just guess that the shorts ensemble was part of the plan but the tights were not. She so desperately wanted to wear this outfit that she was willing to throw on a pair of control top pantyhose so as not to look too freezing cold in Park City, Utah in January. And let me also guess that she probably sent someone out to buy her tights for her so that she could drink champagne and do her nails pre-party. She better have a good reason for dressing like this, like bribery with... well, let's face it, she doesn't really need money, does she... so maybe she was bribed with Ecstasy and flavored Vodka?? Yeah, seems appropriate.

I guess if it is your party, you can wear what you wanna wear. I, however, would choose to wear Gary Graham to MY party!!

Sienna Minelli

2006-01-22T19:39:00.000-08:00

It's tough to be a famous girl in London these days. Sometimes you have to resort to dressing in disguise before you hit the streets. One has to wonder, however, how sound your judgment is when you choose Liza Minelli as your muse. I realize that Sienna is not well. She could have chosen a better disguise, like Queen Elizabeth, or Princess Di (how much would that freak everyone in London out??), Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham, or even Liz Hurley. Liza Minelli isn't British. She's not young. She hasn't even DONE anything in about 20 years except get married a bunch of times. Seriously, Sienna, ditch the Minelli look and get with the times, man!!

Who wears short shorts?!?

2006-01-21T21:52:00.000-08:00

Eva Pigford has nice legs, I will admit it. However, shorts at a press event for CBS in January are not exactly appropriate. I realize that again, this is another bizaare Hollywood trend, much like having children and THEN getting married and wearing leggings to special events. (See below for commentary).

Eva has decided to pair her chocolate-colored short shorts with a white military-inspired cropped jacket and high heeled sandals. Because honestly... what goes better with short shorts than a short short jacket in a strikingly opposite color with stiletto sandals.

Activewear as evening wear

2006-01-21T21:26:00.000-08:00

Honestly, people... please, please, please for the love of God... stop wearing leggings!! Jennifer Landon, ladies and gentlemen. Prime specimen. Here Ms. Landon struts her stuff in black leggings underneath a black sequin evening dress. Are you cold? Did you forget to change after your session? Or are you trying to make some sort of a statement by pairing two odd articles of clothing in the same outfit?

Hollywood, I know yoga is really, really trendy and everyone is doing it. But there is a time and a place for leggings and unitards. Your yoga instructor's studio. So leave the workout gear at the gym, mmmmkay...? Despite what you might think, leggings are NOT the new black for 2006.

And Jennifer, you really need to either wear a cute hip blazer with pants if you are cold or wear the dress sans leggings with a wrap and suck it up.

Unfortunately, Jennifer is not the only victim of the gymwear as evening wear curse. (Yes, Sienna Miller and Mischa Barton, I am also talking to you.) Namaste.

The Not-so-bright Stars of the Golden Globes

2006-01-16T20:56:00.000-08:00

Good gracious, Drew. Did you lose your invitation? Did you oversleep? Because you surely did nothing to make yourself attractive for one of the biggest nights in Hollywood. Golden Globes?? Big parties, pretty clothes? Any of this ringing a bell?? I can tell by your expression that none of this is ringing a bell to you. Bear with me for a moment while I explain why you have this ALL wrong... (SIGH)...

Okay, let's start with your hair. Now, I know that this brownish color is not as sassy as the perky blond color you used to sport. That's okay. You look more grown up, good for you. Let me clue you in. Middle parts with no style don't look all that great.

Your dress. Not the most attractive color. The cut is really pretty blah. And the fit is completely wrong for your body type. Sorry, Drew. You don't really have the body to be wearing something so body-skimming. We can see that you haven't really been sticking with those stomach crunches lately. Next time, try something with a fuller skirt or suck it in!! At least when you are on stage. (Is that BELT really necessary??)

Alanis, on the other hand, has gone in completely the opposite direction. She has gone blond, a drastic act with Miss Clairol in the guest bathroom. And then she invited Farrah Fawcett over to style her hair circa 1983.

But what, I ask you is going on with her gown? Besides being an odd, unflattering shape (Do you people know what A-line is?!), she has chosen a dress that makes her look, from a distance, like she is naked from mid-torso up. Seriously, I had to do a double take. I was like... Noooo! Oh... wait, where are her nipples? Huh? That's part of her dress? It completely blends in with her skin tone. Why is she wearing this two-toned tragedy? And why on earth does she have rhinestone sweatbands on her wrists?? Ahhhh!!! Be gone, you!

Poor Emma Thompson! Her look of shock and bewilderment is at the fact that she has put on this pretty dress only to realize that she no longer has boobs!! Drat that Harry Potter!! Bewitching her dress to make her look as flat as a postage stamp! Maybe she needs to go back to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to perform the buxom maximus spell and try this again!

I have only three words for you, Lisa Rinna: WEAR-A-BRASSIERE! You are not thirty anymore. They are starting to sag in a not-so-good way. There, I said it.

Joseph and the Technicolor Dress

2006-01-15T18:51:00.000-08:00

Kimberley Joseph, formerly of "Lost" fame, has actually lost her marbles. She donned this vivid catastrophic mess at a recent event. The outfit caused seizures and mass panic, and Joseph was banished to a faraway island.

Raise your hand if you aren't pregnant and famous

2006-01-14T00:09:00.000-08:00

Hmmm.... looks like I am the only one in the room with my hand raised.* Gwyneth Paltrow has just confirmed that she is pregnant with her second child. You will recall that this is the woman who named her adorable doppleganger, "Apple."

She has further confirmed that she will be having another girl and that she is torn between the names Banana and Orange. She said that the minute she delivers baby #2, she will then eat a nice big fruit salad. Yum.

*Editors Note: I am getting a little sick of Hollywood pregnancies. I promise to leave this topic alone for awhile. ;-)

The Odd Couple...

2006-01-13T23:49:00.000-08:00

This seems strange to me... Katie Holmes and Posh Spice. Shoe Shopping?? (Yes, I know she has a REAL name, it's something Beckham). This is worrisome first of all, because Ms. Spice Beckham is into that other cultish fad religion, Kaballah, and I'm pretty sure it's against both their religious practices to be cavorting outside their kind. And poor Katie looks like she was dragged out of her pregnant coma to go shopping with Posh. She didn't even have time to comb her hair. Then she just threw on the standard Scientology garb, a black tent.

And then Katie relented and threw on jeans and was like... "Ugh. Okay, I will go shopping with you this ONE time. Just stop at Starbucks on the way to the Grove and get me a Venti triple Americano with an extra shot. That way, when Tom hooks me up to the sonogram machine tonight, little Lucifer will be doing backflips. It's better than t.v. Well, except for British "football" and Spice World. Those are okay to have on the telly at home. Okay. You are buying. Let's go. But I am not buying shoes. I'm just gonna look. Tom likes me barefoot and pregnant."

I must be psychic!!

2006-01-11T19:19:00.000-08:00

The gig is up... Bun in the oven!
YES!!! I SO called this one!! I knew when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston split that the fairy tale was over. Enter the dark horse, Angelina. I knew that there had to be some truth to the two of them hooking up on set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and despite the deflections of both Brad and Angelina's publicists to the contrary, the story unfolded. Brad and Angelina go together to Africa to pick up Angelina's newest Goodwill acquisition, baby Zahara. She previously rescued little Maddox from Cambodia. Several months go by, and then Brad adopts said youngsters.

"Okay," I start thinking to myself, "something's definitely up." There is a well-crafted plan at work here.This situation has Transformers written all over it: There's more than meets the eye. Logically, the next thing I would have expected was for them to announce that she is PG, or an announcement that they have eloped. In Hollyweird, the pregnancy seems to happen before the marriage. Some notable stars come immediately to mind: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, and that kooky TomKat duo. Don't these people get it??? They are ROLE models for young people. And they are having children first, THEN getting married! I know, I sound like my grandma. It's one thing to have an "accident." But this many "accidents?" I am quite sure that birth control is not outlawed in Lala Land. So frickin' start using it!!

Okay, I will now proceed to step down from my soapbox. Thanks for stopping by. Stay classy.

Tinkerbell to join Jenny Craig

2006-01-11T18:38:00.000-08:00

Oh. WOW. Last night, George Lucas brought his daughter Amanda to the People's Choice Awards, where Lucas' film Revenge of the Sith earned awards for Best Movie Drama and also Best Movie of 2005. Yup, that's her in the lime green dress. I can understand completely the loyalty to family and the lack of spouse and yadda, yadda, yadda. It's always great when parents bring their youngsters to awards shows and premieres as their "date." It's cute, right?

Honestly, though, I draw the line at you bringing your obese twenty-four-year-old daughter to the show. Wearing lime green, no less. She's a large girl, George. Admit it. She's no femme fatale. That I might be able to understand. Why, pray tell, is she wearing a dress the color of Tinkerbell's costume?

George, shame on you. You have billions of dollars. You could very easily help the poor girl out and pay for a pricey trainer and a dietician to see to Amanda's health. Gastric bypass surgery? Lipsuction? Helloooo? She's nearly twice your size. And you aren't exactly Mr. Svelte, either.

At the very least, you could at least afford a dress for her that is a bit more flattering, like something black. Black is a slimming color, right? Not that it would do much good in this situation, but at least it's a start.

Let's put the Force to some positive use for your loved ones, man.

Spederline's Quest

2006-01-09T20:59:00.000-08:00

I'm not ashamed to admit it that yes, I often do go out to Starbucks on Sunday morning without washing my hair, brushing my teeth or putting on makeup... (wait... remind me again what makeup is?).

However, I have a limit as to how low I will allow my appearance to sink. Which apparently isn't very low, judging on Ms. Spears-Federline's recent foray into the lobby of her "swanky" Las Vegas hotel. Okay, seriously, Brit, you are a mom now. Granted, your son looks like a troll, but that is no excuse for you to prance about without a bra on, wearing your husband's sweatpants looking like you just woke up with no feet and you are waiting for room service to bring you your breakfast of f*&kin' FRENCH toast. But do you REALLY need to do your shopping now? Does your little one really need that "My mama went to Vegas and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" onesie?

Fergie: Then and now

2006-01-09T11:08:00.000-08:00

Stace, hon... what on earth happened?? You were such a cute, sweet girl back in 1984 on Kids Incorporated. Granted, your hair was a bit too fluffy and overprocessed, and you were forced to wear tiered miniskirts with leggings in colors like mint green and salmon pink and matching bows in your hair. At least you could blame your stylist at the Disney Channel for all that.

But I don't think you can explain this look that easily:

I know you are really trying to look more hip hop and less teeny bop. After all you are 30 years old. Track suits work if they aren't capri-length and satin and you are just buying groceries at the store and the shot is completely candid. But only then. And wearing said shiny capri track outfit does not give you liberty to wear knee-length strappy flat boots with traction soles. You look ready to go to battle on the planet Endor with Luke Skywalker in those things, or ready to zap tribbles with your ray gun side by side with Captain Kirk.

What look are you going for here... Track Star or Star Trek?

The professionals at Disney at least put you in a scenario where it was okay to dress up in wierd outfits.

Mrs. Pink

2006-01-08T17:56:00.000-08:00

In what is sure to go down as one of the classiest weddings of all time, singer Pink married motocrosser Carey Hart of Surreal Life "fame" in a smallish ceremony on the beach in Costa Rica on Saturday.

So her married name is "Pink Hart." Awwww.... and just in time for Valentine's Day! Good thing she didn't marry someone with the last name of "Eye."
For all the dirty details on Pink's nuptials, click here!

Barton's blazing blues

2006-01-04T19:38:00.000-08:00

Mischa Barton is apparently enjoying herself a little TOO much in Miami. Props to her for putting the lotion on, but what in dear god's sweet name is she doing wearing that macrame/lace/crochet!? (bathing suit?). Over a demin miniskirt? Can that thing get wet, or will it disintigrate? Actually... Oh! Lets sweeten the deal just a wee bit, shall we? Turn around, Misch. That's a good girl...

Hmmm... interesting. And that will leave an interesting tan line, if the look you are going for is "clothesline." One loose thread, and she's toast. According to our viewers, Mischa "looks like she is forty," so she apparently isn't having a very good hair day, either. Rumor has it that she recently had a nasty fight with beau, Cisco Adler, and then blew off a little smoke by hitting the bong. You would too, if your b/f looked like this:

I think you need to take another hit and a swig or five of your man's brewski, darlin.

2005 Best of the Best

2006-01-02T18:58:00.000-08:00

Since I have been called out to blog about the best fashions, and since my few meager readers have asked to know what I consider "good" fashion, I present several of my favorite fashions of the year. You won't often see me blog about the "good." I prefer to bash on the "bad," the "ugly," and the "downright disgraceful," since it's WAY more fun to be catty. However, I am throwing my loyal friends a bone and appeasing their wishes. Here ya go, folks...

JESSICA SIMPSON: The former Mrs. Lachey has about a million outfits which are hideous. I could spend a lifetime blogging about the woeful state of her wardrobe; however, I feel kinda bad that her marriage is over, and this outfit isn't terrible. Granted, she needs to get help for her serious case of tanorexia, and she tends to overdo it on the eyeliner, but the dress isn't too bad...

KIRSTEN DUNST: She's looking fabulous in black at last year's Oscars. She generally needs some help, however, since she often wears colorful potato sacks or horrible Boho chic.

BEYONCE: She always seems so put together, whether it is purses, shoes, or jewelry, and her color choices always complement her skin tone. She's looking great in black velvet on the red carpet at the 2005 Oscars.

HALLE BERRY: Halle Berry looks very feminine in this pink dress, and long hair looks great on her, too.

DESTINY'S CHILD: Yeah, I know they are a former trio, but they always seem to avoid clashing with each other and/or looking bad.

MANDY MOORE: She looks a bit like she should be going to the Senior Prom, but at least the dress is pretty.

NICOLE KIDMAN: Stunning in silver at the 2005 Vanity Fair party. Props to her for ditching crazy Cruise.

REESE WITHERSPOON: Looking fine at the "Walk the Line" premiere, Reese makes a bold statement with red shoes and a black and white dress.

RACHEL MCADAMS: Her dress is flattering, and looks great paired with the funky pink shoes. My only problem with this is that I am not really sure why it looks like the kleenex she stuffed in her bra has exploded out of the top of her dress.

CHARLIZE THERON: As long as her hair isn't black like it was in "Aeon Flux," Charlize will almost always look great. She's one of the few actresses that can pull off red lipstick without looking like a two dollar whore.

ZHANG ZIYI: The dress is a bit much, and looks a bit too "bridal" in white, but it's a good look on her at the "Memoirs of a Geisha" premiere.

ME: Okay, okay. This one was a bit of a joke. I am no Charlize, but at least I am not going to be looking back at my wedding photos someday wondering what the hell I was thinking when I bought my dress.

2005 Redux: A Year of Ill-Fated Fashion

2005-12-31T16:14:00.000-08:00

Happy Freakin' 2006 Everyone!! The prospect of putting together a best/worst list had me both giddy and dizzy at the same time. (Or maybe that is due to the champagne I just threw back.) Anyway, I actually took a fair amount of time compiling images which depict some of the nasty rags our fair ladies drape their bodies with. That being said, and in no particular order, on with the show...

THE WORST:

BAI LING: There is really no need to go any further than to tell Bai Ling that she can probably make a decent living as a hooker in Phuket. At least she dresses the part.

DEBORAH GIBSON: She looks like a butterfly. She needs to realize that altering granny's muu muus does nothing to change the hideous pattern.

TESS SMITH: Oh. Wow. This is about as bad as it gets. The entire outfit just screams "Fugly of the Year 2K5." It's hard to look at this for too long without becoming violently ill. On the upside, however, at least she waxed.

COURTNEY PELDON: Two words can describe this outfit best. Trailer Trash. Pink silkscreened off-the-shoulder shirtdress and pink mules... it even looks like she is in a trailer trying this on. Please spray a little more aqua net on your hair light up a cigarette and pour yourself a brandy on the rocks so as to complete the imagery, Courtney.

PARIS HILTON: Caftans are not really in vogue, Paris. Actually, they never have been. So let's leave the caftan at home for the eighty year old eccentric starlets.

The Olsen Twins: Mary Kate and Ashley must have woken up and realized they needed to be somewhere and hurriedly threw on their Dad's old Fruit of the Loom undershirts. At least Ashley had the sense to put on some tights. And honestly, aren't you girls a little too old to be dressing so "twinsy?"

JENNY MCCARTHY: Jenny McCarthy often misses the boat with her clothing choices. This time, it seems, she missed the ship to Germany with her "Bier Garten Frau" dress.

L'IL KIM: This was one of L'il Kim's final public forays before she was sent to prison for perjury. I believe she was shopping for bras that day. Thank God!!

GWEN STEFANI: Gwen misread her invitation to the small Asian Women's award banquet. It clearly read "Dress Sporty," not "Dress like an import." In Gwen's case, she's dressing like a French Showgirl.

Stay tuned for the BEST of 2005 fashions coming tomorrow. I'm tired, and this partygirl needs some sleep. Peace out.

Goddamn Interception!

2005-12-29T23:05:00.000-08:00

I need to vent...

My alma mater played in the Holiday Bowl tonight... and LOST. They lost to the frickin' Sooners. The Sooners. Hah. What the hell is a Sooner, anyway?! Isn't it one of those big covered wagon things?? How the hell do you "mascot" a wagon?!? Anyway... I digress.

I was extremely anxious when, in the fourth quarter of the game, the Ducks were trailing by ten points with 4:34 left in the quarter. I knew it would take a miracle for them to come back from their deficit. That miracle came, and the Ducks were able to score a touchdown, and with more than 3:30 left in the game to spare, plenty of time to allow the Sooners a few measly plays.

The Ducks' defense held fast and got the ball back. Such luck!! Two great plays later, and they were in excellent scoring position. And then the unthinkable happened. Oklahoma linebacker Clint Ingram made a leaping interception of Brady Leaf's pass at the 10-yard line with 33 seconds left in the game. All hope was lost; the candle flickered out. I was screaming and jumping up and down at the miserable scene on my HDTV. Worse yet than this loss, I have lost my 28 points (my highest confidence in Bowl Pick 'Em). And worse even than that, I have to bear the wrath of my friends and colleagues for my solid, emphatic, and unwavering faith in my fighting Ducks to win this game.

Damn you, Ducks!! Chomp sack, Brady Leaf. You suck almost as much as your no good brother, and on the SAME field where he played and was repeatedly booed, no less. Go roast on a spit, Ducks. (I don't really mean that. I am just really, really ticked off!). Sorry you had to get run over by a frickin' wagon.

Hey, FOX...

2005-12-29T22:02:00.000-08:00

Have we got an exciting new reality show to pitch to you!! Are you ready for this??

We call it... "The Itchy and Picky Show."

Since Nicole Ritchie and Paris are no longer BFFs, and "The Simple Life" just isn't that interesting anymore, we proudly present our stars, the Hilton sisters, Paris and Nikki. There is no need to go any further than the CVS pharmacy or the beaches on Maui to spot these pretty, pretty princesses!

Presenting... ITCHY (aka Paris).

After this photo was taken, Valtrex jumped at the chance to sign Ms. Hilton up for a stint of 6 commercials for their medication that puts the fun back in genital herpes. As the pharmaceutical company, GlaxoSmithKlein, so simply puts it: "Paris was a perfect choice... look how natural she is!!"

And let's not forget our other star... PICKY (aka Nikki):

Nikki also was offered endorsements from both Kleenex and Zicam Sinus Relief Spray. Again, both companies swooped in on her natural ability to boldly and calmly play her role of sinus infection sufferer with such little effort.

Well, there's the pick... the itch... uh, the pitch. Think it over. You won't be disappointed. Here's my card. Think it over, and call me.

And the nominees are. . .

2005-12-27T19:06:00.000-08:00

I couldn't resist doing a post about the Golden Globe nominees...

For a complete list click here!

Especially since Golden Globe mean Oscars, and Oscars plus Golden Globes equal some seriously interesting clothing concoctions!!

Nominations for the 63rd Annual Golden Globe Awards were released at 5:00am PST on Tuesday, December 12th, 2005. The Golden Globes Awards Ceremony will air January 16, 2006 at 8pm EST.

Fatherhood makes you ka-razay!!

2005-12-26T20:14:00.000-08:00

Yo, what up? Have I had a year or two or what?! Checkety-check it... I married this smokin' hot singer who's super rich after staring at her ass for, like, six months as a dancer, then I knocked her up and we had this kid, um, I think we named it, like Sean Preston, which is gay, but... what ever. At least he has my last name. And then, yo, I started riggety-rappin'. I got me a website and everything, my biatches. So now, I think I am gonna go spend more of my sugar momma's cash on stoopid stuff and work on my website and kick it with the hood rats. Ya'll better check out... My site!

Oh, and I didn't write what's written there on my welcome page... someone else did. I'm really not that articulate. Peace out

Peet-ering out

2005-12-26T20:05:00.000-08:00

Something about this outfit reminds me of a photo of a child circa 1846 with the puffy sleeves and the stand up collar. Fortunately for children of the nineteenth century, they never wore see through clothes.

I'm guessing Amanda Peet came straight from a yoga class before attending the premiere of "The Family Stone," as is evidenced by the black lycra unitard, which can be clearly seen under the sheerness of her dress. Yet again, what are these people thinking when they get dressed... maybe I won't be recognized?

Sleigh Bells Ling!

2005-12-22T21:20:00.000-08:00

Bai Ling has never been known for her fashion prowess. No, actually, "skank" comes to mind as the most-used adjective for Ling's wardrobe. Especially when evidenced by the get up she is sporting at the "Gridlock LA New Year's Eve Party Preview." It's nice that you actually threw us a bone and put on some pants for once, but would you please leave a little to the imagination? What on earth is that green scarf thing you think is supporting your chestal region? It's a SCARF!! It is to be worn around the neck, not across the breasts. I know you live in LA, and it's kind of hott to be wearing nothing in LA, or something, since the sun shines all the time. But even LA in December can be chilly.

Please, do us all a favor and let us enjoy our holiday festivities without having to feel nauseated. Maalox, anyone?

Swallowed by cotton candy

2005-12-22T13:28:00.000-08:00

Julianne Moore* was unable to make a timely appearance at the "Family Stone" premiere. She was at a holiday carnival and fell into a vat of sticky cotton candy. Luckily, she made a daring escape and was able to arrive in time for the red carpet photos. However, she was not able to get rid of the swath of cotton candy which has attached itself to her shoulders. Doctors had to perform an emergency extraction.

*Editorial Note: Apparently, I have been corrected... this is is Leslie Ann Warren... but she bears a striking resemblance to Julianne Moore, no? :)

Duffless

2005-12-18T14:00:00.000-08:00

Hilary Duff has outdone herself. Not only is she starring in the sequel to a movie which never should have been made the first time (Cheaper by the Dozen), but she has decided it would be really fierce to show up to the premiere of said disastrous sequel wearing a dress that has been knitted by her blind grandmother. I mean, what IS that thing? And why is it so COLORFUL?? It looks, too, like Ms. Duff has had an accident with the haircolor bottle? She has had such pretty blond hair for so long... oh... wait... my sources are telling me that her stylist also does Jennifer Lopez's hair. That explains a lot.

She's only like, what, sixteen?? She is way too young to be looking so hideous. Seriously, Hilary, look in a mirror before you leave the house.

Who came first... Cartman or Knoxville?

2005-12-15T11:46:00.000-08:00

OR

In one of my favorite episodes of South Park from 2004, Eric Cartman, the beloved wisecracking fatass, decides to pretend he is mentally retarded in order to beat all of the ACTUAL mentally-challenged kids in the Special Olympics, thus winning the prize money. What he doesn't understand is that you have to actually practice your events, since the the kids who participate in the Special Olympics are pretty good athletes.

Classic Lines from the episode:

Cartman: All I have to do is make people believe I'm handicapped and I get one thousand dollars. It's not going to be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.

Apparently, the Farrelly Brothers, whose movie The Ringer, starring Johnny Knoxville, which is scheduled for release on December 23, claim that the idea for their movie was stolen by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park. The Ringer is surprisingly similar, since it is the EXACT same premise. No lawsuit has yet been filed, but, in all seriousness... didn't the South Park episode air in 2004?! First come, first served anyone? Ya snooze, ya lose??

Check out the article here: "Farrellys'"South Park" Smackdown"

Good God... ghastly gold!

2005-12-13T11:29:00.000-08:00

Hollywood's 2005 Breakthrough Awards showed some fine "nuggets" in fashion no-no's.

Example 1:

Cheryl Hines, of HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and cinema's "Herbie: Fully Loaded" shines (and not in a good way) in her outfit. The dress, minus the tacky gold designs, would actually be kind of cute, if not plain. However, it almost looks like she just put on a burgundy halter dress and then decided to throw on some gold paint that looks like armor on top of it. A word to the wise... yes, shiny/flashy/sparkly is in fashion nowadays, but that does not mean large gold lame accents are in fashion.

Example 2:

Lady Victoria Hervey resembles Paddington Bear in more ways than one. They are both British, they both have a knack for causing a ruckus, and they both enjoy their spot of tea with crumpets and marmalade. Oh, and they dress alike, too. Except instead of a red duffel coat, Lady Vic prefers the bright yellow version. The tag on her dress says, "Please look after this girl. She dresses terribly. Thank you."

Get Wild

2005-12-11T21:50:00.000-08:00

By edict of the mayor, I have been requested to blog about Cindy Garrison: (SH, this one is for you...)

Who is Cindy Garrison? Well, she hunts big game and has a show about it on ESPN. She's pretty much every guys' dream girl. Personally, I think she's a bit frightening, but that's just my opinion. Get a load of these photos of the endangered species she is hunting:

Here is another. Look a' that...she's a beaut!

And finally, the natives get restless... Cindy gets relentless, and shoots their kids. Is there NOTHING this woman won't hunt?!:

So, catch her show, if you're into that sort of thing... :-)

More Cowbell!

2005-12-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

This is THE ABSOLUTE BEST NEWS of the year....

Christopher Walken is running for president in 2008!!!

This isn't a joke... at least, I don't think it is...

"Our great country is in a terrible downward spiral. We're outsourcing jobs, bankrupting social security, and losing lives at war. We need to focus on what's important-- paying attention to our children, our citizens, our future. We need to think about improving our failing educational system, making better use of our resources, and helping to promote a stable, safe, and tolerant global society. It's time to be smart about our politics. It's time to get America back on track."

Click on the More Cowbell link to view the Walken 2008 campaign website...

This is gonna be great!

Move over Tubbs... Crockett's got a new partner

2005-12-09T23:03:00.000-08:00

Shaquille O'Neal has apparently been sworn in as a reserve police officer in Miami. O'Neal, who was a former reserve officer in L.A. when he was a Laker, and has decided to continue the tradition in Miami. Sorry, I would not want to meet Shaq on the street with a police uniform, sporting a gun.

Look out Cubans of America's east coast... Papa's got a brand new badge!

You know it's over when...

2005-12-07T16:12:00.000-08:00

1. You show up to an awards show either solo, or with a close family member. In this case, it is Jessica's mom, looking dark and dyke-tacular ala k.d. lang.

2. You decide that something needs to change with your appearance, so you go for it... new boobs, blond hair... face lift....whatever! Go crazy!

3. You throw on the most frightful outfit in your wardrobe and wear it to a big public event.

OR:

4. You show up to a music/talent awards show in a frightful and ill-fitting purple monstrosity, looking dazed and confused, with collagen lip injections AND with your mother in tow.

Hell, Jessica, just throw all caution to the wind and go balls out and, heck, if you're gonna do this break up thing right, well... you might as well fit the mold to a tee, right?

"Dub-T" was the theme for VH-1's Big in '05

2005-12-06T20:30:00.000-08:00

At VH-1's annual "Big in" awards show held December 3, 2005, clearly the true winners were the ones for whom this type of programming is designed...and the winner is... white trash!

A smattering of the guests/presenters/awardees in attendance:

Kristin Cavalleri, of the MTV network's television show, Laguna Beach busts out the Dub-T style circa `85 in her denim gray colored dress with sequin keyhole neckline drop waist and multicolored chiffon skirt and ridiculously unsexy pumps. The topper is the overbleached feathered hair. You go girl! She will be attending the Hollywood High Winter Formal this coming weekend with her cousin Billy Bob.

Next we have:

The Hogan Family, looking deliciously dub, stars of the VH-1 show "Hogan Knows Best." From Left to right are: daughter Brooke, Wife Linda, Son Nick and Hulk. Need I say more? They look to have just rolled in off the double wide. Explain to me again what the Hogans know?

Can someone explain to me the following:

a. Why are these men big in ANY year; and

b. why were they allowed to show up looking like this?

Let's run down the "Dub" criteria, shall we:

A. Liberal sprinkling of visible tattoos; (CHECK)

B. Unruly hair, excess facial hair or mullet; (CHECK)

C. Smells like stale cigarettes; (CHECK)

D. Has a television show where the premise is about fixing up hogs... motorcycles, that is... (CHECK)

E. Overweight by at least 100 pounds... (CHECK)

Okay so, Paul Teutul Sr. and Mickey Teutul of "American Chopper" made the invite list for obvious reasons. So be it.

OH DEAR...

It looks like Kristen Kirchner of "The Apprentice 3" has raided Celine Dion AND Stevie Nicks' closets. Who wears white after LABOR DAY (besides brides, of course), Kristen?

And finally....

Kelis is apparently bringing her milkshake to the yard... and the red carpet. She is attending the Hookers of Hollywood afterparty and wanted to make sure she wasn't overdressed...

Critters

2005-12-03T15:30:00.000-08:00

Paris Hilton has added a new accessory to her wardrobe:

So much for the teacup poodle and the handbag chihuahua. The newest look in pet couture is the ferret scarf. Not only does it provide some warmth on those chilly winter evenings, it also doubles as new scent... unpleasant musk. Take it from Paris... Ferrets are HOTT.

More fun with critters:

Katherine Heigl recently returned from a caterpillar hunting trip in South America. Here, at a recent charity event, we can see that her newly-caught caterpillar was made into a lovely sash, which she obviously wears with great pride. Honestly, though... what is that thing? It really looks like a gigantic caterpillar. I would be afraid to wear that thing. It really serves no real purpose, at least as far as I can tell. It just makes her outfit a bit more hideous.

Ahhh... nature...

2005-12-03T15:15:00.000-08:00

Squirrels are causing mischief in Seattle suburbs according to this article published in today's Seattle Times: "Squirrels causing holiday mischief."

Nature will mess with you every holiday season. So watch where you hang your Christmas lights.

Finished via email!

2005-11-30T21:37:00.000-08:00

How sad... we NEVER expected this to happen to such a lovely and camera-ready couple. (Are you detecting a note of sarcasm here?!)

Am I psychic? Didn't I tell these two to quit kidding around and break up already? Sheesh!!

I'm a little bummed about the break up because I will not have this pair to rag on anymore. Oh well, at least Jessica says dumb things on a regular basis and wears some pretty craptacular outfits. Always good for a few laughs there.

And it appears that Jessica is not the most mature woman in the world, as is evidenced by her alleged break up email to Nick: OUCH!!
That's gotta hurt!

I wonder if they are gonna pull her book (yes, allegedly she wrote a book), since the title is SO wrong: I do: Achieving Your Dream Wedding.

Sorry, Jess, sometimes dreams don't always have happy endings...

Dead links can be hilarious!

2005-11-28T20:44:00.000-08:00

While stumbling amongst the myriad of "searches" for stupid websites and finding zilch on a specific subject, I found the following "dead link:"

(I kid you not, this is verbatim!)

Oops! This page is not found. I probably deleted it because it was full of stupid content.

And if you came here, it means you are looking for that content, which in turn makes you stupid.

It's OK, don't worry about it too much.

Half of the population of the planet has less-than-average intelligence, so you are not alone.

If it took you more than one second to figure out the previous sentence then you are at the bottom of that half.

Anyway, there are two ways out of here.

If you feel like jerking off then click here
if not then click here.

I promise, I was looking up a specific restaurant in London, not porn. Porn sucks. (But this is pretty clever, so I will give it props!)

Bah Humbug Part I: Black Friday

2005-11-26T23:20:00.000-08:00

There are a number of reasons why I may possibly be Scrooge reincarnated:

1. I detest shopping.

2. I detest crowds of people.

3. I detest crowds of people AND shopping.

or, quite possibly, I hate it that the holidays do this to greedy grubby bastards...

A fellow shopper reaches down to help Josephine Hoffman, 73, as the crowd behind her pushes through and rushes past security guards. Several people went down during the commotion. Crowds gathered at Brandsmart at the Sawgrass Mills Mall where the doors opened at 6 a.m.

What the f***?! She is seventy-three, for chrissakes! Her bones are brittle and will break! Give her one more day of joy to buy X-box 360s for her bratty grandchildren and get outta her way!! Or, maybe, do what I do on "Black Friday" and don't go out of the house. Or at least wear a helmet and carry a baton!

Apparently Scientology pays pretty well!

2005-11-26T11:55:00.001-08:00

There is something very wrong about this headline...

Tom Cruise buys sonogram machine to watch baby

Fri Nov 25, 8:35 AM ET

Not every family can afford one at a price tag of up to $200,000 but actor Tom Cruise says he bought a sonogram machine for his pregnant fiance Katie Holmes so that they can monitor the development of their child.

In an interview with ABC's Barbara Walters to be aired on a November 29 television special about the "most fascinating people of 2005," Cruise said: "I'm going to donate it to a hospital when we are done."

A sonogram machine, which uses ultra-sound to look at a fetus's development, can cost between $150,000 and $200,000, according to People Magazine which published excerpts from the interview on Wednesday.

Cruise said he did not know the gender of the child but said if he did, he would not reveal it. Walters then asked him, "So what do you see?" and he answered "a little baby."

The couple revealed last month that Holmes, 26, was pregnant and in the Walters interview, Cruise said, "We are going to get married in summer or early fall. We don't have a date set yet."

Some people have WAY too much money!

For more fun with Scientology/Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes, see this site: http://www.jengajam.com/r/19134

Ouch, Babe!

2005-11-22T20:26:00.000-08:00

Ahhh... Tasers...

As most of my friends and colleagues have learned, I am a fan of the Taser.

Not only do I appreciate the Taser for its ability to take down the strongest of men, but for its ability to do so without actually causing serious physical injury to people, and without lasting effects. I was worried I would pee or cry. No lasting effects except for brief Tourette's Syndrome when the trigger is pulled.

However, I cannot imagine suffering the effects of the man described in this Tallahassee article. (Click on title above for link).

Apparently, he got, um, talley-whacked. Welcome to the suck...

Reese's Pieces

2005-11-19T17:39:00.000-08:00

Oh dear. I'm afraid that the lovely Reese Witherspoon has fallen apart. Normally exceptionally well-dressed and always put together, she has chosen this odd and uncharacteristically strange-looking outfit for the "Walk the Line" film premiere:

I'm not really sure what is going on here. She is wearing a dress, which, by itself, is quite pretty and flattering. (Except for the fact that it appears to be made out of some sort of tacky chintz-like material).
But what I really don't get is the disturbingly large BIG BLACK BOW/SASH that is adorning this outfit. From a distance, it almost looks like she has tied a black sweater around her waist. How embarrassing!

And to make matters even worst, she was so exhausted with picking out this frock that she almost gave up on her hair. (A headband??) Reese, a bit of advice... you and daughter Ava need to stop playing dress-up before you attend these events.

You are only fooling yourselves!

2005-11-18T10:37:00.000-08:00

This post is twofold... one, to insist that Nick and Jessica stop the madness and just get divorced already. We all know you are faking it. I mean, you are both just eye candy for each other, but there's only so far you can take this sham... look at Brad and Jennifer. At least they were willing to admit it. There are a LOT of marriages in Hollywood that go bust, or are just a scam for attention. You both got a lot of publicity out of it, and you even got a lame-ass reality show. But, seriously, enough is enough.

Second, I have to comment on Mrs. Lachey's "costume:"

Does it not look like she is a JBF'ed French maid? Like in some haphazard, frenzied state of passion her outfit was shredded by her lover? And that she was called away from said passionate rendezvous to attend to her mistress' tea party? Oui, oui!

And does it not also look like her ass is covered in a very full diaper? Someone please, change this girl maintenant!

Catch of the Day!

2005-11-16T12:17:00.000-08:00

Hailing from the Pacific Northwest, I am a great fan of the local flora, fauna and, um, cuisina. However, I think smoked salmon-flavored soda is right up there with earwax-flavored jelly beans and spinach-flavored ice cream.

Known for their irreverent soda flavors and eye-popping hues, Jones Soda Company ("Jones") is taking their love of the creatures and flavors of our great nation to new depths. Lest we forget Jones, who also brought us the "holiday pack" of beverages with flavors such as Pumpkin Pie and Turkey and Gravy et al., packaged specifically for those people who would rather drink their holiday meal in soda form.

Personally, I don't see how "fishy-flavored" equates to "refreshing."

Eeek!!

2005-11-15T21:14:00.000-08:00

Something about Selma Blair's dress makes my skin crawl. Maybe the fact that it looks like she is wearing a cute white sheath covered with black moths and topped with black full body hosiery, or the fact that she looks like she belongs on the ice skating circuit. I dunno...

Canadian Tuxedo

2005-11-14T20:22:00.000-08:00

Brittany, Brittany, Brittany... which British Columbian or Torontonian sold you this heinous denim disaster??? Don't you know this kind of look is only attractive on, um, well... nobody?! I know you probably thought it was all cute because of the tapered legs, frayed edges and the wrap around coat look. And I know you were just thinking you could jazz it up and make it work by sporting a sparkly rhinestone choker and a cutesy retro hairdo.

Sorry, Britt. You're a cute girl, but I have news for you: nobody can make this look work. Sorry.

And another thing... tell Anthony Kiedis to stick with his meds. He looks like a cross between Frankenstein and a limp mattress in that ridiculous gray striped get up, complete with black platform shoes. Parade around on Melrose, and I guarantee someone will have that man committed to Cedars-Sinai's Psych Ward.

I LOVE COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!

2005-11-12T11:08:00.000-08:00

Mmm... Saturdays...

Possibly the best part about Fall (and the reason for the season) is watching college ball on the weekends.

Especially when you discover little gems like this:

Introducing DE'CODY FAGG!!!

Huh?? Yes, you heard it right. Fagg. The outstanding Sophomore WR hailing from Quincy, Florida.

Please don't let us down this week, Seminoles. My college Pick'em is riding on you!

Let's go Fagg!!

Big Daddy's ready to reopen!

2005-11-11T11:06:00.000-08:00

This is funny: Link

I find it hilarious that instead of worrying about the problems still plaguing the city of New Orleans, the owners of Big Daddy's are more concerning with racing to find a way to get their business open in the biggest cesspool in America, and thus be the first strip club to reopen in the French Quarter.

I actually visited Big Daddy's on a trip to New Orleans in 2003. It was my first foray into the seedy underbelly of the world of night life, and I was really scared. Big Daddy's should use the motto, "Carny Girls Gone Wild!" YIKES!!!

Welcome!!

2005-11-03T21:57:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my blog. I am just getting this started, so bear with me.

Test

2005-10-22T17:44:00.000-07:00

this is a test